Don’t Look At My State Of Mind

Powerful. You had that inner conflict going on (at least, that's how I took it. I might be wrong ) and it held me until the end. Very well written as well.

The only thing I noticed was that sometimes, I felt like you were dragging a bit. Some of the lines you could change to make them more stand-out-ish instead of just talking. But I see that's maybe what you were aiming for so that might be the whole point!

Well, that's all the advise I have!

Matt,


Consider as a starting point for future versions:

Standing on a ledge, and below,
photographers and reporters flash,
and oh, the wind -
I just want some fresh air.

Now looking through the glass, trembling,
I turn. It’s too warm to go back in
and all I need is to feel
like this in privacy, but I hate

The reflection, and the cold, bright air
is never so harsh as when looking down
at all the buildings and trees, but people…

I have to ignore the people.

Standing on a ledge, and there inside
are all the people I push away:
they stare while I get some air,
and I just can’t stand the attention.

The problem as I see it is that this is a poem which derives its power from simplicity as opposed to longevity. As it is, it begins to significantly drag midway with the unhelpful repetition of words and images, and the jumps between a ledge and a window and a room--these are all places not firmly established, and in a poem where geography between the N and her surroundings and N and her friends--without clarifying what is happening when is a serious detractor from the take-home effect.

You have some work. Even in my version there's quite a bit of room for fat-trimming. However, I don't think it's a lost cause, by any stretch, and that if, as you revise, you simply ask yourself at each point where you want your readers to be, then you should begin to start giving it a bit more...continuity, if you will.

At any rate, thanks for sharing this!


Cheers,
Brad

Eimear - You can interpret it any way you want, I actually hadn't intended for that, but it's actually a great interpretation, and perhaps something I can work on reinforcing later, so thanks!

A true gem of a poem.

Most of what a felt about it has already been voiced (all good stuff), but the bit that really sold it for me is the brilliant use of the window.

Correct me please if I'm interpreting this entirely wrong, but the window was used for two techniques- to show how they simply cannot return to their life back inside:

Looking through the window, trembling,
I turn. It's too warm to go back in
there and all I need
is to feel like this in privacy.

I hate the window, my reflection;
The cold, bright air is never so harsh,
So down I look, at
All the buildings and trees, but people¦

I rather enjoyed reading this poem, it takes slow reading to catch it but it was well worth it.
Keep Writing

I like this poem, it is structured well and full of meaning.

Standing on a ledge and there inside
are all the people I push away,
not meaning to, but
they stare at me while I get some air

I try so fucking hard sometimes
That I forget that I’m alive.

[q]why do you use swearing? Its not really helping your poem you know.

Standing on a ledge and down below
photographers and news reporters
flash, and oh, the wind -
I just wanted some fresh air.

Looking through the window, trembling,
I turn. It’s too warm to go back in
there and all I need
is to feel like this in privacy.

I hate the window, my reflection;
The cold, bright air is never so harsh,
So down I look, at
All the buildings and trees, but people…

I have to ignore all the people.

Standing on a ledge and there inside
are all the people I push away,
not meaning to, but
they stare at me while I get some air

And I just can’t stand the attention.

I try so fucking hard sometimes
That I forget about me.

[q] Your poem doesn't really have any meaning to it and it doesn't give the reader a message (unless you did that on purpose). It's not very original and it kind of like a small story upon thousands and even millions in a library, you know what I mean? It's not really part of anything; it's just "there".
It's interesting, but it just doesn't capture much of my attention.
I think you should work on it,k?
yours truly,
shanan-cat
Written on Saturday 9th February at 11:49am[/quote]

Wow!

'I try so fucking hard sometimes
That I forget that I’m alive.'

Strangley fantastic! Catching and yet o fully of imagery, whcih is saying something really!

I really loved all of the stanzas, they are such a brilliant fit together and it all works so well. Definately dramatic!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Edited it slightly. Thanks for the comments, keep them coming!

This seemed very confused. All the ideas are here, but pay closer attention now to language and word use; it seems a bit raw now. Watch the words ending with -ing. There seem to be a lot of them, and it takes away some of the flow; I feel like I'm trying to look through too many viewpoints all at the same time. By the same token, there is a lot of "I" in the poem. Yes, I realize that it's told through first person narration, but just the repetition of the actual word seems to almost slow down some places.

The one-sentence lines didn't do much for me. Maybe try to incorporate the sentiment into the stanzas each are modifying?

The first stanza and the last stanza are almost identical, but I don't feel as if the middle of the poem has sufficient development to warrant the last line. In the actions relating to the rest of the world, the photographers and such, I see it, but in things like recognizing the reflection and hating the window, it seems contradictory.

The "you" at the end of the sixth sentence might not fit; it takes away from the separated privacy of the fresh air and the removal from the reporters below. Something more impersonal might be more fitting?

Think on it a bit, chip away at it a little more, and this will be a wonderful, effective poem!

I love it Matt, as usual. It's so powerful. In the second line, I might try saying;
'That I forget that I'm alive.' as I think it works better with the rhythm.
I love the second stanza especially, and the subtle frustration and desperation in;
"I just wanted some fresh air."

I also love;

"all I need
is to feel like this in privacy."

The layout is great, and works really well.

Hi,
Wow, this poem was good. I kind of startled me when I read f*cking though. I do curse myself ,but never heard it in a poem like that. You showed really good emotion in this poem. I really enjoyed in it.

I really liked this stanza:

Looking through the window, trembling,
I turn. It’s too warm to go back in
there and all I need
is to feel like this in privacy.

Woo! I get to be the first to edit this before it's posted! (It's 11:29am for me. ) I really liked this a lot, how you're stading on the ledge of a window, apparently not trying to jump, yet you've got that situation. I like how it's like a thought process too, just thinking about the frustration and why they are out there. I think you could do without the language though, and still have it be just as effective, but that's your choice. Great though! I've got nothing to complain about!

~Yoyo